Who loves ya, baby?

?What are we going to get the Cruise baby?? I asked Sue.

?What are you talking about??

?Tom and Katie?s baby, Suri. Maybe we should get her a onesie or ?Baby Einstein? DVD or a crib toy or something.?

?We don?t know the Cruises,? Sue said. ?Why would we buy their baby a present? We?ve never met them, they?ve never been to our house for dinner, they don?t know us, they wouldn?t recognize you on the street if they hit you with their limo. They don?t know our friends, they don?t know my hobbies, they don?t know our families. Why would I get their baby a present any more than I would buy a complete stranger a baby present??

?You?re saying Tom and Katie wouldn?t buy our kid a present if we had a baby??

?I don?t think they would. Actually, I think Tom and Katie could care less if we had a baby.?

?Let?s have our publicist ask them.?

?We don?t have a publicist.?

?Which is why we don?t have a baby. How can we raise a child without a publicist? We?re not qualified to answer hard-hitting questions from the press. What does our baby think of Cruises? baby? What does our baby think of Scientology? What does our baby think about ?Mission: Impossible III?? When will our baby start dating Tom Cruise?s baby? Does Suri have a fringe on top? We need professional help here!?

?We. Don?t. Have. A. Baby.? Sue said.

?Because of our religious differences, no doubt.?

?No, because of the differences in the size of our brains. Yours being so tiny and all. That, and the fact that I?m 56 years old.?

?I asked you to get a lobotomy. But noooooo … We could adopt. I hear Brad and Angelina are adopting. What did we get for Brad and Angelina?s baby??

?We don?t know them, either. They don?t know us. Why do you care so much about the babies of people you don?t even know? Your sister had four babies and you never even sent her a card.?

?When was that??

?Twenty-five years ago.?

?Are you sure? Why didn?t her publicist tell me? Why didn?t I read about it in ?People? or ?Us?? Are any of her kids named Suri? How much did she sell her baby?s pictures for? ?

?Who would pay money for baby pictures of your nieces and nephews??

?People waiting in line to pay for their groceries. Were any of her kids adopted from terribly depressing Third World countries??

?No.?

?You mean all she did was have these kids and raise them? And for that you want me to send her a present? How can you compare that to what Tom and Katie have done? You act as if a celebrity having a baby is no big deal, you act as if pretty much any man and woman could do the same thing, as if millions of ordinary people around the world were having babies every day. You act as if Tom and Katie are not a special, more evolved, higher class of human beings than the rest of us. What kind of sick, pathetic, fantasy world are you living in??

Jim Mullen is the author of ?It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life? and ?Baby?s First Tattoo.? You can reach him at [email protected]