Doing everything but driving
I just saw a report that said eight out of 10 car crashes or near-crashes are caused by “distracted” drivers. Thank goodness I had the TV on in the car on or I might have missed that. It’s one of those stories that can change your life. So I called Sue to tell her, but the cell phone reception was bad out there on the interstate, so I told her I’d get back to her when I was on one of the surface roads.
I wonder though, do we really need a study to know that distracted drivers cause accidents or is it like one of those $1 million studies that takes years of research to shock us with the news that mother’s milk is OK for babies to drink? Anyone who drives a car has seen drivers doing insane things at 60 mph. Isn’t that common knowledge?
Hang on, I’ve got to stop typing and pay attention to the guy in front of me. He’s driving erratically. I think he may be drunk. Or worse, he may be distracted. Fiddling with his CD player. Or his DVD player. Whew! I just flew past him and I think he’s OK. It looks like he was just doing some routine filing. I couldn’t really see that well, it’s hard to look out the window and keep my eyes on my GPS map at the same time.
It’s a good thing I know how to touch-type or I’d never be able to meet my deadlines and run my errands at the same time. But those hunt-and-peck typists behind the wheel, they’re a menace to society.
I know a lot of people work out of their cars now. The front passenger seat is their entire office. It’s got the computer, the filing cabinet, water cooler — everything you need to run a business right there beside them. The back seat is the conference room. I suppose the most common business to be run out of a car is car insurance claims adjuster.
Oh, look at that! That woman is putting on her make-up while she’s driving. That is so wrong! What is she thinking about? Those aren’t her colors at all! Doesn’t she know bright red is SO over? She should be using pastels and soft, soft, soft translucent colors. They should take away her license. No, not her driver’s license, her beautician’s license. Doesn’t she read Vogue? While she’s driving.
Hang on, what’s this? The traffic’s slowing down to nothing. Probably an accident. But there’s nothing on the local TV station about it yet. Let me click through the channels. Nope, nothing. Why are we drivers always the last to know?
Wait, this looks serious. There are two cars over in the disabled lane. An accident? Road rage? A fender bender? Has anyone been hurt? Will an ambulance be showing up in my rear view mirror soon? No, it looks like … I don’t believe this! They’ve pulled off the road to eat lunch! They are sitting behind the wheel eating in a parked car. No wonder there is rubbernecking. What is the matter with them? Now I have absolutely seen everything! They’ve stopped their cars to eat lunch! They can’t eat French fries and drive at the same time? How did they ever get a driver’s license? Isn’t that part of the test? Being able to eat and drive at the same time? If it isn’t part of the test, it should be. It would keep nutcases like that off the road.
I’ve eaten peel ‘n’ eat shrimp while driving and playing a video game at the same time, and these people can’t choke down a hamburger without having to park their car? What’s the matter with them? They’re disrupting traffic. They could cause an accident.
Uh-oh. A cop. Now that’s a distraction. All those lights and sirens pulling up behind me. The loud speaker telling me to pull over. Twice in one day. That’s four times this week. It’s making me a nervous wreck. When are they going to do a study about that?
Jim Mullen is the author of “It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life” and “Baby’s First Tattoo.” You can reach him at [email protected]