The Village Idiot: Happy holidays from the Fergusons
Dear Friends,
Well, it’s that time of year again. The Fergusons have had a great 2003. As you can see, Bob lost 40 pounds on the Atkins diet. He had to get a second job to stay on it because he eats more red meat than a grizzly bear, but you can’t knock the results.
If you haven’t heard about it, Atkins is a diet plan that doesn’t allow you to eat anything inexpensive like pasta or potatoes or rice. But you can eat as many $7.99 a pound steaks as you like. We’ve spent so much on food this year we can’t afford to buy him new clothes. His pants are so baggy he looks like he just graduated from clown school. Still, it beats the stomach staple the doctors were talking about and he says he feels good.
Speaking of health, Amber’s nose-ring got infected and she missed most of this last semester at junior college. The whole experience has made her think seriously of changing her major from Tattoo Art Appreciation to Herbal Holistic Aromatherapist — but nothing’s firm yet.
The real exciting news is that Amber has a boyfriend, a lawyer. No, wait a minute. Bob says the boyfriend isn’t a lawyer, the boyfriend has a lawyer. My bad. Kids these days, I could never have afforded a lawyer when I was his age. He must really be smart.
Josh is doing well in Golf Course management and he came this close to making the Pro’s List this semester except for the low grade in Lawn mowing. Thank goodness he got a 3.2 in Watering Grass 101.
Bob’s mother is still living. With us. Sometimes she’s a little forgetful. I can’t tell you how often I have to remind her that she’s living in my house. I think she would probably be better off in a nursing home but Bob won’t hear of it. He’s just that kind of guy. He says, “As long as you’re healthy, why shouldn’t she stay with us?” Except for the smoking, the drinking, the cleaning, the cooking and the laundry, she’s not much of a bother. And the kids love her. They’re always trying to make her comfortable. But no matter how many times I tell them, they still try to turn her oxygen on when she’s smoking.
I suppose this is as good a time as any to explain that newspaper headline in June, “Bob Ferguson Arrested in Credit Card Fraud.” Actually it was good news, they arrested the guy who had stolen Bob’s identity. They caught him trying to charge a Slim Jim and a box of Handi-Wipes down at the Gas and Go Away. Little did the thief know that Bob’s credit cards have been maxed out for months and all the clerks have orders to call the police if he ever tries to use a credit card there again.
The guy pretending to be Bob is still in jail, but that will probably change when he finds out about the back taxes we owe on that phony tax shelter scam we got involved in last year. It seems that just because you don’t mow your backyard doesn’t mean you can call it a “Tree Farm” and start taking an agricultural deduction. Who knew? But if the fake Bob Ferguson wants to do eight to 10 years for tax fraud, that’s fine with us.
Well, that’s about if from the Fergusons. I’ve got to go pick up Fluffy from the vet. I’m not sure I want to see the bill. Well, how much could a simple tail reattachment cost, anyway?
Wishing you and yours a Happy Holiday.
The Fergusons
(Jim Mullen contributes regularly to Entertainment Weekly, where he can be reached at [email protected].)