Taking a Stand: I’m not a natural at public speaking
It’s a great paradox really when you consider that scientists say public speaking is one of the most common phobias known to man, while on the other hand, business experts say public speaking is one of the most vital things a person has to do to get ahead. It’s a cruel twist of reality.
For me, public speaking should be something which comes natural. People who know me will tell you I’m a show-off, always trying to grab the limelight. I’ve played the horn and sung solos at church for quite a while with no real nervousness. I’m used to being up before large groups of people. I’ve been doing it since I was a kid.
So, it would just seem natural that I would have no problem talking before small crowds. I should even excel at it seeing I have a background of being before audiences. Well, it appears that public speaking is a horse of a different color.
I was recently installed as president of Noon Exchange, a role which includes getting up in front of the club each meeting to make announcements and introduce people. It would seem, seeing I know all the members of the club, I would have no problem talking before friends. However, this is not the case.
Just last week I was asked to give out an award. While thinking it would be OK since everything was written down for me, I soon found out it’s no easy task just reading before others. In the presentation, which I envisioned being an oratory rivaling Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, I ended up playing the role of Forrest Gump, losing my place and struggling over the “big words” like a second-grader trying to read “War & Peace.”
It was like an episode of Hooked on Phonics gone terribly wrong. By the end I was sweating like a big ole pig, working up a lather even Right Guard couldn’t stop.
I guess it goes back to a lack of focus when I rise to speak, since I’m thinking about everything that could go wrong. I’m constantly telling myself “don’t say anything stupid” and trying to control my swinging arms so it doesn’t appear I’m about to take flight with all the flapping my arms are doing. Of course, the alternative of gesturing hands is getting the white knuckle look from grasping the podium in a death grip.
Then there’s the great fly fear. I have this weird fear of leaving my fly open when I step before a crowd. I do a status check like every five minutes, making sure the fly fairy hasn’t quietly opened the barn door.
There’s a real art to this status check, seeing you don’t want to be obvious while checking your zipper in front of a crowd. You have to do the old adjusting-the-belt-type grope, using your forefinger to make sure your fly is locked in the upright position. Somebody needs to invent a fly lock for us fly-challenged people.
As far as ways to cope with my public speaking phobia, I’ve tried them all with the exception of Valium. I’ve even tried the old Brady Bunch thing where in that one episode Jan was told to imagine the audience was wearing only their underwear. Talk about loss of focus. Between wondering if my fly is down and speculating on whether the audience is wearing boxers or briefs, I couldn’t hardly remember my own name.
Hey, I’ve tried humor to relieve the tension. However, humor only works if the humor is humorous. If not, you’ve got that Daffy Duck thing where you tell a joke and all you hear is crickets chirping and see blind stares from an unamused audience, some of whom may be in fact imaging me in just my underwear. It’s boxers if you’re wondering.
(Duane Sherrill is crime and court reporter for the Standard. He can be reached at 473-2191 or by e-mail at [email protected].)