When the rut is really a canyon

Dear Margo: I have been married for 10 years to a guy who has no limits. He routinely refers to certain parts of my body as his property.

He constantly tells our 8-year-old son that housework is for women. I have a full-time job, and if I don’t want to have sex, he says I am having an affair at work.

I spend every waking hour either at work or with our two children. I am getting really tired of being degraded and having my son disrespect me. I find that I am questioning whether or not I even love my husband anymore.

I just want him to leave me alone most of the time, and I hardly ever speak to him. Is this a normal rut in marriage, as all of my relatives say, or is it time to cut the ties? — Unsure in Oregon

Dear Un: Sorry to disparage your relatives, hon, but what is going on in your marriage is no “normal rut”; it’s more like a canyon. Your husband has crazy, chauvinist values, a mean mouth, and he sounds like an accusatory clod in the bargain.

This, uh, role model is no good for your son, and living like this is no good for you. I think your idea of cutting the ties is a good one. Tell him you’ve had enough, he was a major mistake, and he can try his Prince Charming act on some other lucky lady. — Margo, wincingly

Dear Margo: I was an unhappy wife with a 2-year-old daughter, taking care of her almost entirely on my own. My husband was more self-involved than I ever imagined.

We took separate vacations. We were roommates. I was frustrated, angry and lonely all the time. The more time that went by, the more distant he became.

I met a wonderful man who swept me off my feet, accepted my situation and wanted me to live with him. Unfortunately, he lived in California. Relocation for him was not an option.

I assumed my husband wouldn’t bat an eyelash when I divorced him and took my daughter to California. I was wrong. He wanted her with him. This seemed insane to me. He didn’t do anything with her, for her, etc.; I did everything.

He tried everything to change my mind about moving, divorce, etc. He would not consent to my taking her with me. So, I went — without her. We worked out, through attorneys, a visitation schedule for me.

I didn’t think he’d be able to handle it, but it’s been 10 months — I was wrong. I love my new relationship, which is like night and day compared to life with my ex.

I realize this is an odd situation. What words of wisdom do you have to explain to my daughter I love her, but I got out of the relationship with her father to save myself?

I suspect she’ll hate me, but at least for reasons caused by me and not reasons put into her head by my ex-husband. — Bad Mother

Dear Bad: It is just a reality of our culture that people look askance at women who “leave” their children. I do not regard your circumstances as those making you a “bad mother.” Not everyone would agree with me.

I suggest, now that you are married to a man whose livelihood is in California, that you go back to court and try to reverse who has primary custody and who has visitation.

I believe, from experience, that if your daughter knows you fought to have her with you, she will understand — even if she has to become older to do so.

Give the legal approach one more shot. Good luck. — Margo, maternally