Local court cases have Springer beat
If you think Jerry Springer is bad, if you want to see hillbillies gone wild, teens out of control, eeny-meeny-miney-moe who?s my baby?s daddy, ?He beats me but I love him,? or you just want to feel better about your own life, try going to court here once in awhile to get a real taste of dysfunction Warren County style.
I?m hooked. Granted, I hate Springer, Montel and all those other freak shows on TV which exploit the dumbest people in our society, those who are not only dysfunctional but are so dysfunctional they will go on TV and tell the world about it. Hey, if I were a hillbilly transvestite teen who was in love with my half-sister who was really my mother?s long-lost stepdaughter, (do the family tree real quick), I think I?d just keep it to myself. Getting counseling from an audience of cursing misfits and the former Mayor of Cincinnati probably won?t fix what ails you at that point.
However, with that said, every Tuesday afternoon I try to be part of a live studio audience in our own Jerry Springer Show better known as Warren County General Sessions Court. Folks, all I can say is that it?s fascinating. I can?t make up junk this outrageous.
Unlike Springer, you don?t have folks getting up and yelling at each other, well, not normally, unless you count the angry people who sometimes can?t control themselves and shout at the judge. That?s what we in the audience call contempt of court, costing the offending party 10 days in jail per shout.
Seeing this is General Sessions Court, I really didn?t take an interest for awhile seeing it wasn?t the big-time cases. However, the more I went and listened, the more I was fascinated by the stories people tell. The stories can be funny, sad and sometimes, downright scary. Whether you know it or not, we have some real nuts here.
A big part of the court docket on most Tuesday afternoons concerns people who never really learned how to get along with others. Most of the time it?s a story about how someone harassed someone else, how they couldn?t get over their old girlfriend or how someone gave his old buddy a knuckle sandwich. One thing is for sure, someone is going to lie in every case.
Almost always you?ll have a big pack of supporters on both sides, all brewed up by the greatly enhanced version of what really happened. As you would guess, what was a minor ordeal becomes the Scopes Monkey trial by the time it reaches court as both sides work each other into a frenzy like the Volunteers before they run through the big T on game day in Knoxville. It all comes down to drama. People have too much time on their hands so they have to concoct drama.
I bet our court dockets would drop by more than half if people would just grow up and act like adults. Instead of getting the court to play nursemaid, perhaps they could work out their own issues.
If someone is bothering you, don?t hang out with them anymore. Avoid them like you do the bill collectors. If your boyfriend is beating you, leave him and have him arrested and don?t come up to court and get a case of amnesia because you love him.
If the fist fight between Billy and Bobby is over and Bobby lost, tell Bobby not to be a sore loser and get a warrant, learn to fight or, better yet, tell Bobby to avoid the fight next time. And lastly, if you?re stupid already, avoid alcohol because it just makes you even more stupid.
Of course, nothing will ever change. I?m sure there?ll be a new crop every season, providing daytime drama at the Warren County Courthouse.
Duane Sherrill is a reporter for the Standard. He can be reached at 473-2191 or by e-mail at [email protected].